so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
