When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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