Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
