She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
