Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
