I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
