Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
