oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
