my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Dick very happy bro
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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