watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
