Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
