I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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