Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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