Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
