Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
