i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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