can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Randomize
