you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
