i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
