Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
