I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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