when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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