I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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