The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize