Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
