He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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