In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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