I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
