I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
