You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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