I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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