I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
