My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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