We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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