I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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