Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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