She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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