what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
