As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
