Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
