Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
