you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
