I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
