I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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