My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
