I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
