Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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