she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
