I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize