I think my vagina is haunted
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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