fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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