I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
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