can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
