Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
