I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
