New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Randomize