my mouth tastes like poor choices
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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