guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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