1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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