I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
