it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
