If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
