i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
