I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
