...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
