I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
