I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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