I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
