Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
